Who’s a Good Boy?

I have been left distraught.

Distracted so easily by this pain.

My life has become a perpetual state of suffering.

You would imagine I would get used to it by now – perhaps I have. Perhaps, that is the worst part of it all.

It is my masochistic friendship with this pain that pretends to be noble.

It is all a disguise.

I inflict more pain upon myself.

I just want to feel again. I just want to feel something.

I keep talking about this pain inside of me, except it’s a weighted, blunt expansion of the black mass in my chest. It pushes outwards in all directions. It is a force more than it is pain.

This force needs to stop its constant thrust – I have no energy to push back with.

I don’t collapse because it does not push me down.

It pushes out.

There’s a child inside my chest that can’t take the reality of this world anymore.

She just wants to come out. She is trying to propel open a hole in my chest, and escape. She tried to burn the hole – the heat inside is getting too much. It’s scorching me.

Her tiny hands are unbelievably strong. Like a newborn’s grip around her mother’s finger, she’s trying to climb out of my chest.

I don’t want her gone.

I know she’ll take my heart with her, like a bagpack swung over her shoulder by the aorta.

But the heat.

And the rage.

The anger makes me go blind.

I go blind with the anger.

I can no longer hear her screams.

Nothing makes sense anymore.

Everything is burning but I am calm.

Last night was different though. Last night I could not control it.

I stood against the car, taking a drag of my cigarette breaking down in whimpers, like a little bitch after being run over by a car.

But when he came by, I beat him up.

I was so angry, I would have killed him.

In that moment, I wanted to kill.

Myself.

Other lives are valuable.

I made him cry.

Then I cried.

No wonder she said I emotionally abuse.

Because I feel too much and can’t make up my fucking mind.

Emotional expression is overrated.

But it is vital. For communication.

Breakdown.

Wag your tail.

Smile.

Fetch.

Roll over.

Play dead.